Author: Becky Moller

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How to Create More Intimacy in 10 Minutes or Less per Day — Free Download

Imagine waking up next to your partner, wrinkled and gray, years down the road…rolling to your side, watching them sleep, feeling absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude and respect at the mystery of who they are and your opportunity to evolve alongside them for all these years.

Do you know any lifetime married couples who experience such moments?

Is your partnership on track to be one?

People always seem to be looking for life hacks: the short cut, the easy button to get the results we want with the least possible effort.

In my experience, when it comes to relationships and personal growth, there’s no real short-cut. 

And when we’re looking for one, it usually means we’re trying to by-step the real work of facing the issues underneath the surface-level fixes.

But the practice I’m going to share with you today is something I could call an “intimacy hack.” 

It’s a simple, straight-forward ritual that my husband and I have been practicing for over a decade.

It’s become so foundational to our connection, I can’t imagine our marriage without it.

The practice is called a Couples’ Check-in, and while it isn’t rocket science, there are definitely some nuances that we’ve learned over ten years of practice that have made it extremely successful for us.

This Check-in has improved our emotional connection, increased our ability to peacefully navigate conflict, and enhanced our sex life.

The free download has clear instructions, troubleshooting issues I’ve seen in our own and others’ experience, and FAQs that can help you implement this practice successfully on your own.

You can download it here: https://bodysoulschool.com/free-download-couples-check-in/

I hope it serves you as well as it’s served us over the years!

Wishing you all the best in love and life,

Becky

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Unpopular Opinion — Couples Work Will Not Save Your Marriage

Today I offer an unpopular opinion: that couples work will not save your marriage.

Before you reject the idea–hear me out.

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We’ve survived betrayal, addiction recovery, major career shifts, rebellious teenagers, faith expansions… and I’m sure we’ve many unexpected adventures yet to face.

Therapy, including couples therapy, has been a significant factor in our ability to not only survive these challenges, but to eventually thrive through them.

So what do I mean when I say that “Couples Work will not improve your marriage?”

When our marriage blew up 10 years ago in the aftermath of betrayal, we made a forever shift: from seeing ourselves as co-passengers in the same boat, to seeing ourselves as individuals who were choosing to row our boats alongside each other, theoretically toward a shared destination.

This shift created a fundamental differentiation. 

It drew a line in the sand that suddenly made clear our true, individual responsibilities.

Suddenly, we were each firmly in charge of our own life path, toward our own growth. 

We couldn’t unconsciously expect the other to pursue our desired destination at the same pace at the same time.

We couldn’t blame each other for the ways we found ourselves paddling in circles.

We became clear about our partnered reality: “I am accountable for my own happiness. I am accountable for my own resentment.”

With this essential understanding in place, my husband and I began a new phase of our journey together: a phase defined by mutual respect, by clear self-directed boundaries, by a deeper sense of self, by tools that improved our communication, and by the clear understanding that each day, we get to choose to stay connected, to turn towards each other….or not.

The more we both took ownership of our own journey and our own state of consciousness in each moment, the more our couples’ issues seemed to dissolve…all on their own. 

When I look at the heavy lifting that moved us from the brink of divorce to a thriving partnership, it is the INDIVIDUAL AWARENESS we both committed ourselves to that made all the difference.

At Lifehouse Body & Soul, we teach mindfulness: simple self-reflective practices and principles that can help you take full ownership of your own state of consciousness.

We do this because we truly believe that this is the path to peace: in our inner world, our personal world, and the world at large.

We believe that life is supposed to be a beautiful adventure of discovery fueled by love, not fear.

In relationships, when you step fully into your OWN adventure, you implicitly invite your partner to do the same.

Maybe they’ll choose to LEVEL UP with you, maybe they won’t.

But regardless…your OWN higher frequency will start to change the vibration of your partnership.

If you’ve been telling yourself that you’re waiting for your partner to get on board so you can improve the quality of your relationship, think again.

The time is NOW and the ball is firmly in your court.

You can choose to change yourself.

You can choose to take full ownership of your attitudes, mindsets, expectations, and behaviors.

You can change the way you engage with your partner.

And no one can stop you. 

Our mindfulness-based programs are an amazing invitation to engage in a framework that can help you realize such a differentiated, empowered coupleship.

It’s a journey, not a destination, and one that is best achieved when nurtured consistently through principle, practice, and supportive community.

If you’d like to learn more about our Couples Retreat or our Mindful Living Programs, we’d love to help you achieve your highest potential of joy in your daily living and intimate relationships.

Hoping to Inspire us all to Reach for More, with Love and Joy,

Becky

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Marriage was Never Meant to be a Struggle

Marriage was never meant to be a struggle.

If you find yourself dreading the next argument with your spouse, living for your next chance to check out and numb yourself, or constantly burdened with feelings of resentment…  you’re probably approaching it the wrong way.

You can choose to shift your meaning…

See marriage as a vehicle to let go of your small, personal self.

Nothing will reveal your ego, your blind spots, and the coping strategies that keep you stuck better than your marriage.

See marriage as a way to explore your deepest capacity for connection. 

This is what all humans yearn for, and in marriage, the opportunity to explore intimacy is right here in front of you–mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Great marriages are a shared adventure that help us wake up and in a world that has gone numb, to actually feel something.

Great marriages are a safe place to express your own creativity, carve a unique path through life, and to try things out.

Great marriages are a soft landing when we fail, struggle, or suffer.

Through marriage, we can evolve into highly differentiated beings with the capacity to own our own stuff so we can respond to others with wisdom and compassion.

By actively engaging in and nurturing our marriage, we show the universe (and our partner) we are serious about our personal growth and our potential for joy.

Lastly, through marriage, we can spread love, raise consciousness, and serve.

If you are single, please replace the word “marriage” with “intimate relationships.” Married or single, our intimate relationships are meant to be the icing on the cake of our lives, not our primary burdens.

This week, pay attention to the way you talk about and think about your marriage or your intimate partner.

Are you viewing your intimate life as your greatest adventure, or a drama to be dealt with?

Rooting for you and  the infinite growth potential of your intimate relationships,

Becky

P.S. We’ve still got spots at our Couples Retreat September 5-8. You can find more information here.

P.P.S. If you’re serious about a long-term life change that will give you framework and tools to truly transform your marriage, consider joining us in the fall as we kick off our next session of our Course in Mindful Living. Stay tuned for more info!

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What’s a “Normal” Marriage? – An Invitation to Our Couples Retreat

What is “Normal”?

Life is crazy. This is something we all know. And that’s “normal.” Right?!

For the first 13 years of our marriage, I thought it was completely normal to be chronically over-busy, stressed about work, barely managing to get our kids where they needed to go.

By the time each day ended, all that Nate (my husband) and I had time and energy left for was to plop ourselves on the couch and watch Netflix together.

But when our marriage hit a crisis, I realized I wanted to throw “normal” out. I realized that “normal” is what got us where we were–disconnected from each other, exhausted, resentful, and only going through the motions of life.

That’s when Nate and I started living a completely different way–a “New Normal” is what we called it.

We learned how to pay attention to our emotions, to our bodies—our energy levels, our sense of being aligned or being dysregulated. We learned how to honor and answer our own needs in the moment, and woke up to the fact that we were often unconsciously expecting the other to meet expectations we had not even expressed.

We began to take ownership of our own happiness, and our own resentment too. We learned how to communicate better, in ways that were more accountable and less confrontational. We found we could suddenly have a discussion instead of an argument and that there was less defensiveness all around.

All of these life-changing outcomes came from simple but consistent mindfulness-based practices: becoming more aware of who we really are and how we engage with the world.

All of these changes took place over time—they are still part of a practice–a new way of living–a NEW NORMAL—but they started with one crucial decision.

The decision that we wanted MORE.

That we were no longer going to settle for surviving…we wanted to THRIVE.

Our marriage is still a practice–we’re not perfect and never will be, but we’re always engaged in building something beautiful together, and that’s exciting and deeply fulfilling.

The Lifehouse Body & Soul Couples Retreat could be such a moment of decision for your coupleship. We’ll be in a beautiful place, comfortable and private accommodations, with gorgeous, healthy, delicious food, and lots of time and space spent learning and practicing the tools that can create a NEW NORMAL for you.

In life, I truly believe there are no magic wands or shortcuts, but there ARE simple mindsets and practices that can guide you back to the part of you that always knows your next right step, every step of the way: your own Higher Self.

If your heart and mind are open, I can promise you that this Retreat will give you the opportunity to find this whole and holy place within you. And when you leave us, I hope you’ll have discovered, it’s all you really need.

I hope you’ll consider practicing with us. It’s going to be amazing!

Learn more here: Couples Retreat

Love, Becky

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Confronting Body Shame: Do You Treasure Your Body As Your Most Loyal Friend?

Do you treasure your body as your most loyal friend?

This is something I had never considered before I experienced my own life-changing journey of trauma recovery.

Ten years ago, I was a busy mom of four. I volunteered a lot of hours at church and worked part-time as a Fitness Instructor and Aerobics Program Coordinator at two local universities (BYU & UVU).

My main worry as far as my body was concerned was managing it, and I was a harsh taskmaster. I was focused on staying in shape, maintaining my ideal weight, and performing all the tasks required of me in my various responsibilities.

When I experienced a life-changing trauma in my marriage, my body suddenly seemed to become my enemy. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or even function. I would spin into panic attacks and was often completely overwhelmed by emotions I couldn’t control.

During this very difficult time, I slowly learned to develop an entirely different relationship with my body: a compassionate relationship of listening, honoring, and trusting.

Now, ten years later, I spend my life helping others to experience the same shifts that allowed me to heal in ways I could never have predicted.

In order to change our relationship to our bodies, we have to understand a few basic truths:

  1. Your body is hard-wired to survive: it constantly reads your surroundings and responds in ways it unconsciously believes will keep you safe.
  2. Your body is like a container: it holds every experience, emotion, memory, impression in its tissues and stores it until you give it permission to let go.
  3. You are not your body. You are not your mind. You are the soul inside who is able to observe your thoughts and emotions and choose which to follow and which to release.

Mindfulness, embodiment, and meditation can help us connect with the soul inside, bringing wisdom, clarity, and compassion to all the thoughts, emotions, and sensations of this human experience.

If you could use a fresh start in your relationship with your body, we’d love to have you join us at our embodiment classes, where we work out hard, practice yoga, and meditate.

Even coming once per week can make such a difference in how you feel on a daily basis. If you feel curious, come check it out! You’ve got nothing to lose but a lot of self-loathing.

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Mindfulness is Gratitude

As you prepare for the busy holiday week, what are you most looking forward to? What are your hopes and intentions for the week ahead?

Are you pausing regularly to check in with yourself and re-center, or are you officially in “survival mode,” rushing from one task to another on your to-do list?

In this week’s practice, Holly reflects on how many of us live in such a way that separates us from the joy that is right here in front of us, in the present moment as it unfolds.

Mindfulness itself is a practice that invites us into a state of being that is naturally imbued with a deep sense of gratitude. As we learn to inhabit and acknowledge our bodies, it is impossible to deny or overlook the miracle of simply existing. This heightened gratitude is the source of much of the peace and well-being that mindfulness offers.

As you take 8 minutes of your time to pause for practice with Holly, she will guide you through simple tools that can pay dividends through your entire holiday week.

    • Deepening your breath and nurturing an appreciation for this abundant and ever-present source of life
    • Sensory experience–a deeper awareness of the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touches that make this holiday truly meaningful.
    • Connection–the ability to be present with those you love–to see and hear and create the space for them to be appreciated and cherished exactly as they are.

This Thanksgiving, our wish is that you can do more than just survive. Our wish is that you can use mindfulness to bring yourself into direct contact with the people, food, and experiences that offer richness, contentment, meaning, and joy.

Everything you are looking for is already here, within you. This week, may you have the eyes to see those you love, ears to hear the words and sounds of that which matters most, and a heart that is open and overwhelmed to the profound gift of all of it…to be right here, right now.

Don’t miss it. A simple pause is all it takes to make this Thanksgiving a true feast in every sense of the word.

 

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More Than Mindfulness #5: How does stress show up in my body?

This week, we build on last week’s practice about stress. At Lifehouse Body & Soul, we are particularly interested in the mind-body connection. We believe that our bodies are one of our clearest maps to the parts of us that need healing.

As we learn to listen to our bodies, rather than ignoring them, complaining about them, or quickly popping pills to shut them up, we can uncover a wealth of understanding about what our souls truly long for.

This meditation guides the viewer through a gentle body scan based in traditional body wisdom. Ancient traditions associate different parts of the body with different mental/emotional dynamics. As we open our minds and hearts to truly listening to and honoring the body’s signals, we gain access to unprecedented ways to love ourselves better, and can truly heal what keeps complaining.

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More Than Mindfulness #4: How can Mindfulness help me deal with stress?

This week, we talk about how mindfulness can help us deal with stress. Mindfulness is, in fact, at the cutting edge of stress management. From Jon Kabat-Zinn‘s Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction to the Wim Hof method, the benefits of strategies that reconnect us to our bodies and train our minds are so powerful and clearly documented, that they have created great interest in the scientific community.

At Lifehouse Body & Soul, we provide a structure to help people establish and commit to a Daily Practice of simple mindfulness tools and meditation. This consistent practice creates muscle memory that can actually transform the way we move through life. One of the biggest shifts you will see if you commit to such a practice is a huge improvement in the way y9u are able to manage stress.

In order to work effectively with stress, we have to understand where it comes from. You might consider how you experience stress? Let’s return to the four aspects of self: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Physical: Where do you feel stress in your body? What parts of your physical body often feel tight, or experience chronic pain?

Emotional: How does stress manifest in your emotional self? What emotions typically arise when you find yourself in a stressful situation?

Mental: Let’s pause here–because I am going to suggest that THIS part of you is the birthplace of your stress.

This week, let’s try an experiment: any time you feel stress, you might try to trace it back to the thoughts that created the stress. Were you focusing on the past? The future? Were you obsessing about a problem? Comparing yourself to somebody else? Were you believing that life was supposed to be another way?

You might observe yourself, and watch how these types of thought patterns create physical responses or tightening in the body. You might observe how your emotions build and respond to these types of thoughts with unhelpful, protective, or distracting emotional reactions that somehow help you cope with the stress of your fearful thinking.

Through mindfulness, we learn to re-train the mind to rest in the spiritual self, which we can find in the present moment, through the body. We use anchors of breath, contact points, and the aliveness of the inner body to redirect our awareness and find what can seem so elusive in this fast-paced, modern world.

We find rest.

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More Than Mindfulness #3: Presence Meditation

Today’s meditation builds on our practice of emptying our cup.

Last week, we explored how to empty our cup physically–through our breath, through strong cardio movement, through releasing and relaxing our physical body.

We also explored how to empty our cup by finding the present moment, using the mantra: “I am here. Here I am.”

Our intention was to practice noticing when we lose ourselves in past thinking or future thinking, and then to use our breath and mantra to bring ourselves gently back to the present moment.

How did that go for you this week? Were you able to wiggle just a little more space, a little more presence in your day to day life?

This week, we use this same empty cup concept to find presence in a deeper way: by identifying with the aliveness we feel in our inner body as our essential “I Am.”

We also contrast this inner peace to how we feel when we primarily identify with the roles we play, or other ways we describe or define ourselves.

If you have read this far–I’m so glad! But I am going to encourage you to stop reading, and instead click on the video so you can experience this meditation for yourself–in your own body, mind, and spirit.

When it comes to awakening, the truth is this: it’s not something you can attain by reading about it. You have to do the work for yourself to know for yourself. You have to go inward. There is simply no substitute.

Thanks for joining us! We hope this meditation increases your feelings of peace, love, joy, and connection, not just today, but throughout your week, anytime you need it.

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More than Mindfulness #2: What is an Empty Cup?

At Lifehouse Body & Soul, we often talk about emptying our cup. This is a reference to the Zen parable of the Empty Cup, which symbolizes our fundamental requirement for deep learning and growth.

As the story goes, an enthusiastic young student comes to study under a great master. The master invites him to sit, and he begins to pour him some tea. The student’s cup fills to overflowing, and still, the master continues to pour, tea now spilling over across the table and into the student’s lap. “Stop! The cup is full! It’s full!” shouts the student in confusion and shock. “Ah, yes, your cup is full, my young friend. So there is no room for me to pour the tea. Likewise, there is no room in your head or heart for new ideas. There is no room for me to teach you anything.”

We can empty our cup in many ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Today, let’s explore ways we can use our physical body to empty our cup.

First, we can use our breath to empty our cup. Ujjayi breath is used in yoga practice, and it means “victorious over our thoughts.” Ujjayi breath is inhaled deeply through the nose and then exhaled back out of the nose with a slight constriction in the back of the throat. This technique produces a “Darth Vader”-type sound and helps to activate the body’s Relaxation Response. Such breath should be loud enough and big enough to feel all-engrossing, helping us to redirect our attention from thoughts and emotions, and into the present moment through the body.

Second, we can use exercise to empty our cup. Strong cardio movements paired with intentional exhales can provide a significant release in mind, body, and spirit. In our Daily Practice at Lifehouse Body & Soul, the first half of class is packed with intense cardio, exaggerated arm movements, and plenty of jumps and kicks. Sometimes we are encouraged to “throw a temper tantrum,” providing a safe and appropriate way to express difficult and powerful emotions like rage, anger, or frustration. All of this physical release serves us to help empty our cup.

Third, we can use our bodies to help us find an empty cup in the present moment. To do this, we must become more aware of how cluttered our minds and hearts are. Is there room in our head for a Higher Power’s enlightenment? Or are we so filled with our own stories, opinions, and fears that there is no room to pour the tea? We can start to notice when we are stuck in our heads reliving the past, or spinning our wheels worrying about the future.

When we use our bodies to anchor us into the present moment, we can find freedom and rest from depression, anxiety, and incessant feelings of overwhelm. We can learn to direct our awareness towards our breath and bodily sensations, and out of our busy minds.

Our bodies can become our most powerful spiritual tool. They point us toward a pathway to peace. They remove us from the noise and chaos. They help us cut through the confusion and ground us into what actually is–right here and now.

This week, let’s practice noticing when our cup is full–when we feel cluttered, confused, or overwhelmed. Let’s notice when we come charging in with a strong opinion, with expectations, or stuck in past or future.

Let’s practice using our simple breath to empty our cup and find our spiritual center, the place of peace that always resides inside us when we feel for the present moment.