Unpopular Opinion — Couples Work Will Not Save Your Marriage

Today I offer an unpopular opinion: that couples work will not save your marriage.

Before you reject the idea–hear me out.

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We’ve survived betrayal, addiction recovery, major career shifts, rebellious teenagers, faith expansions… and I’m sure we’ve many unexpected adventures yet to face.

Therapy, including couples therapy, has been a significant factor in our ability to not only survive these challenges, but to eventually thrive through them.

So what do I mean when I say that “Couples Work will not improve your marriage?”

When our marriage blew up 10 years ago in the aftermath of betrayal, we made a forever shift: from seeing ourselves as co-passengers in the same boat, to seeing ourselves as individuals who were choosing to row our boats alongside each other, theoretically toward a shared destination.

This shift created a fundamental differentiation. 

It drew a line in the sand that suddenly made clear our true, individual responsibilities.

Suddenly, we were each firmly in charge of our own life path, toward our own growth. 

We couldn’t unconsciously expect the other to pursue our desired destination at the same pace at the same time.

We couldn’t blame each other for the ways we found ourselves paddling in circles.

We became clear about our partnered reality: “I am accountable for my own happiness. I am accountable for my own resentment.”

With this essential understanding in place, my husband and I began a new phase of our journey together: a phase defined by mutual respect, by clear self-directed boundaries, by a deeper sense of self, by tools that improved our communication, and by the clear understanding that each day, we get to choose to stay connected, to turn towards each other….or not.

The more we both took ownership of our own journey and our own state of consciousness in each moment, the more our couples’ issues seemed to dissolve…all on their own. 

When I look at the heavy lifting that moved us from the brink of divorce to a thriving partnership, it is the INDIVIDUAL AWARENESS we both committed ourselves to that made all the difference.

At Lifehouse Body & Soul, we teach mindfulness: simple self-reflective practices and principles that can help you take full ownership of your own state of consciousness.

We do this because we truly believe that this is the path to peace: in our inner world, our personal world, and the world at large.

We believe that life is supposed to be a beautiful adventure of discovery fueled by love, not fear.

In relationships, when you step fully into your OWN adventure, you implicitly invite your partner to do the same.

Maybe they’ll choose to LEVEL UP with you, maybe they won’t.

But regardless…your OWN higher frequency will start to change the vibration of your partnership.

If you’ve been telling yourself that you’re waiting for your partner to get on board so you can improve the quality of your relationship, think again.

The time is NOW and the ball is firmly in your court.

You can choose to change yourself.

You can choose to take full ownership of your attitudes, mindsets, expectations, and behaviors.

You can change the way you engage with your partner.

And no one can stop you. 

Our mindfulness-based programs are an amazing invitation to engage in a framework that can help you realize such a differentiated, empowered coupleship.

It’s a journey, not a destination, and one that is best achieved when nurtured consistently through principle, practice, and supportive community.

If you’d like to learn more about our Couples Retreat or our Mindful Living Programs, we’d love to help you achieve your highest potential of joy in your daily living and intimate relationships.

Hoping to Inspire us all to Reach for More, with Love and Joy,